Will I Still Be A Woman?

I have a love-hate relationship with my period.

I started my period when I was 11. If I remember correctly, during the first year or so, it seemed like my period came every 2 weeks. I hated it. I didn’t like the way I felt. I felt like my period was intrusive and it was nuisance. I didn’t like worrying about what I was wearing and the need to check my seat every time I stood up. Accidents were so embarrassing.

 In addition to all of that, ovulating was extremely painful—like a knife stabbing me in my stomach. Apparently, this is called mittelschmerz (which is German for “middle pain”)—I’ll just call it “Big M”. I’m convinced Big M must have been a person who hated women and wanted to enact some kind of revenge.

Because of this ovulation pain, I started birth control. I was on it for almost 20 years. I enjoyed the disappearance of Big M, the predictability of my cycle, along with shorter and lighter periods. No more interference by Aunt Flow.

 But once I got married and we decided to try, I stopped the birth control and almost immediately was reminded why I’d started. WOWD, Big M has not lessened the punch after all of these years. And my cycle is not nearly as predictable—it can be anywhere from 19-30 days. Oh yeah—now I get migraines.

 And then there’s the fact that I haven’t birthed any babies or even conceived. Why in the world did I need to have ALL of these periods if there was NOT the fruit of a baby?

Over the last 2-3 years, she has called me to do something different. To honor this cycle and not push through it like I had for my whole life. Now, I slow down and take it easy and rest. I try to eat more nourishing foods. I do a more gentle or restorative yoga practice instead of pushing through an intensely vigorous practice.

 Yet, even with all of that said, I’m not ready for her to end. I’m not ready to live in the absence of my (ir)regular menstrual flow. Why? I’m not completely sure. Part of it is she’s been with me most of my life, she was a constant. She’s part of how I connect(ed) with being woman. Part of it means that I’m aging and as much as I like to embrace the wisdom of aging, I’m not ready to feel it in such a profound way in my body. And then there’s this—I have personal summers all by myself, I can’t imagine how much hotter I will be adding that on top of it!

Am I silly or crazy for having these thoughts? How did you deal with this transitional life stage of being a woman (irrespective of whether it happened on its own or induced by a surgery)? I look forward to hearing from you—just hit reply.

Peace & wellness,

Alessandra

“Be strengthened. Be healed. Be empowered.” ~ Alessandra Poroj