Worth & Destiny Blog

It’s Not A Great Day For Everyone

There is a very raw story in the Christian sacred text that I have identified with for many years now. It is the story of Hannah. The story can be found in the Hebrew text of 1 Samuel. It starts off as a story of a woman, Hannah, who desperately wants to be a mother and is taunted by the other wife (I know that’s a problem right there–this was during a time when polygamy was the standard practice) and is taunted by life because of the fact that she’s been unable to have children. Her husband doesn’t get it—he thinks he should be enough. She goes to the temple to lament in prayer and the priest thinks she’s drunk. She is misunderstood and no one seems to get her.

I know this feeling all too well. Since my early 20’s I knew that I wanted to be married and to have children—five to be exact. My plan was to get married by 24 and start having kids at 26 and have one every 2 years. Well, when I changed my major to pharmacy, that was a 6-year program and I wouldn’t graduate until I was 24. So of course, the plan changed to me getting married by 26, starting a family at 28 and doing so every 1.5-2 years thereafter.

 What’s that old adage about God laughing at our plans?

God must have been laughing hysterically because I didn’t get married until I was 42 (I’m now 46). Yet, I’ve identified with Hannah since I was 26 and I hit that first marker that I’d set for myself that would lead me to one of my heart’s deepest desires—motherhood. Shortly after turning 26, my relationship ended with my college boyfriend and I was absolutely devastated. Not really because of the end of it, but more so because I knew that impacted the way that I had planned my future (I realize there were other issues as well).

Needless to say, over the years, I have struggled. I hated when folk would ask me when I was going to get married and have children. I despised folk who felt like they had a right to tell me I needed to hurry up. I despised even more those who felt it their duty to remind me that Sarah had her son at almost 100 years of age.

Those years were extremely lonely and embarrassing. There was a tremendous amount of sadness, grief and pain. Grief about the loss of what didn’t happen. Pain because I felt like I had been abandoned and forgotten. And even now, it is still hard. I am grateful for my 3 godchildren and my 2 children (by marriage). However, the sting of not birthing a child, let alone never even carrying life, still remains. At this point, most days I’m good. But Mother’s Day is hard for me. Mother’s Day is really hard for me.

I stopped going to church several years ago on Mother’s Day because it was just way too much for me. I couldn’t handle it. I felt like I would spend the entire service trying not to cry or wanting to punch someone in their throat for what felt like unthoughtful comments. Most people don’t get it. So this is one of the boundaries I’ve created for myself.

For many of us, we celebrate Mother’s Day without a care in the world. For others of us, we have the pain of the loss of our mother, or a strained or non-existent relationship with our mother. The pain of never becoming a mother, as well as other emotions and reasons.

May we be mindful that everyone experiences Mother’s Day in different ways. For those celebrating without a care—enjoy, enjoy, enjoy! For those who dread this day—may you be empowered to employ boundaries that support your mental and emotional health! No matter where you fall, I send love and peace your way. No matter where you are, be empowered to nurture and nourish yourself. And if I can support you through service, don’t hesitate to contact me.

 

Peace and wellness,

Alessandra

 

“Be strengthened. Be healed. Be empowered.” ~ Alessandra Poroj